The Resolution Disillusion
by windswept-dreams
Summary: After New Years things got a little weird, and Penny makes up her mind to try to fix things with Leonard. However, things don't go according to her plan and she's left wondering if she can even start to make things right this time.
1. Chapter 1

The Resolution Disillusion

**Author's Note: First fanfic in a long time, and first ever for the Big Bang Theory. This is set after "The Justice League Recombination" and may contain spoilers. I'm just borrowing the characters; I own nothing. More planned. Reviews fuel this author.**

Penny watched the door of the laundry room. She bit her lip as she folded her laundry, extending the time she could spend staring at the empty hallway through the doorway. Leonard's schedule was usually pretty rigid, set by Sheldon's obsessive compulsive love of order. Maybe he had another schedule change at Caltech, working nights again with the laser thingie? He wouldn't have changed his schedules to avoid her, would he?

She un-balled and re-balled up a pair of socks, throwing them into the basket with vague irritation. She whirled and picked up the basket when she heard the outside door open and someone enter. This time it had to be Leonard. Not like the last four times when she'd found someone else there instead, and had to pretend to forget something in the laundry room, returning to her folding. Penny casually balanced the basket on her hip, and paused a moment as she exited the laundry room, 'accidentally' running into Leonard.

"Oh, hi," Penny said, stepping back a bit. She gave him a smile.

"Hi," Leonard answered with a grin of his own as he balanced the takeout bag in one hand to grab his mail. "Haven't seen you all year," he couldn't resist using the cheesy line. It was only a few days past New Years and he hadn't seen Penny since the night of the party.

Penny rolled her eyes, but her smile didn't fade. "Whatever."

"New Years resolution?" Leonard guessed, a wide grin on his face as he tilted his chin up, looking from the abnormally folded laundry in Penny's basket to her face. He fell into step a little behind her on the stairs, giving her space for the laundry basket and his take-out containers.

"Yeah something like that. What's new?" She asked casually as they walked upstairs.

"Not to much, trying to finish this one paper that I've been putting off. I want to see if I can get a 2011 publication before Sheldon. The offices are pretty quiet this week, none of the grad students are back yet."

"Oh," Penny nodded. She walked a few steps in silence. "Leonard, can we talk?"

Leonard looked up, startled. "Yeah," he replied cautiously. "Of course..."

Penny felt her heart sink a bit. All his smiles were suddenly gone, replaced with a guarded blank expression. She suddenly felt unnerved, and all her courage to begin this conversation was fading. She had to say this quick, before she lost her nerve.

"Look, about New Years..." she began.

Leonard looked at the stairs, the ceiling, the laundry, and then down at his own feet. He was obviously trying hard to be cheerful when he said "Yeah, it was really fun to have you two at the party. Sheldon's still thrilled with the trophy."

"I just wanted you to know that Zack didn't spend the night... I made him go home. We're not together like that. I just... wanted someone to party with. Platonically. And Zack was the kind of guy that would enjoy a bar – like where I was thinking of going before... you know..."

Leonard looked up once, to see the second floor. He sped up. "Yeah?" He asked, remaining non-committal as he struggled to keep his voice from rising. "Look, it's really none of my business..." he muttered, making a big show of looking for his keys.

Penny's heart felt like it would crack in sympathy for the pain in Leonard's voice. She suddenly wished she didn't have the laundry with her; she needed to touch him, to comfort him. She wanted to soothe that hurt away.

"I just wanted you to know..." Penny whispered. She'd rehearsed this a thousand times in her head after seeing his face as the clock struck midnight. There'd been no alcohol-fueled haze to drive that look from her memories. It still stung. She'd had something in mind that was going to fix this. He was supposed to be eager, happy to hear that Zack wasn't really a fixture in her life. Her next lines were based on that assumption. This threw her a curve.

Leonard turned to face her finally on the third floor landing. His body still slumped. "Look, I just can't... I can't do this. I thought that however hard it was to see you... after... it would be better to still have you in my life."

"And now?" Penny choked out, almost in shock.

"It's just too hard." Leonard turned, heading up the last level.

Penny was shocked. She stood still a moment, looking at Leonard's retreating back before running up the stairs after him. She caught up to him before she had figured out what she wanted to say. It took her a few steps "But I didn't sleep with him!"

There was a touch of familiar condescension in Leonard's sad smile when he paused at their landing and turned to Penny. It was that look, a mix of fondness and surety that she didn't really understand the question that had driven her crazy when they were dating. "It really doesn't matter," he said gently, before turning to his door.

Penny stood rigidly, watching Leonard's back and trying to read his thoughts as he fought with the lock.

They'd walked home together after the party. It had been like old times. Everything was supposed to be fine.

He got his door open and looked over his shoulder, giving a shy wave goodnight with the keys. The door shut firmly behind him.

Penny was at a loss for words. How could her plans have gone so wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors note: It should come as a surprise to no one that I still don't own Big Bang Theory or any of the characters within. No matter how nicely I'd play with them. So I just borrow. This chapter's dedicated to La Apricot, Stati and Bigbangsuperfan - thank you so much for leaving reviews and encouraging me to continue! :) & big thanks to everyone else who added me or this story to a favourite or watch list.**

Leonard leaned against the back of the door, taking a moment to stare at the ceiling. He congratulated himself for having enough strength to say what had been going through his head for the last four days. His self-praise felt hollow though. Regret crept in to fill the void inside his chest. Maybe speaking them outloud would be enough to get them out of his head... Leonard winced as his self-pity was interrupted by Sheldon.

"Leonard. The door has hinges. It does not need a secondary support structure." Sheldon was looking up from his desk disapprovingly; head tilted slightly. (The slight changes to his schedule had made him anxious and even more irritating than usual. But the carefully thought out, logical arguments Sheldon had outlined were consistently derailed by irrational comments about restaurant shifts, topped with the irrefutable argument ender of 'it's my car and you can't drive'.)

Leonard looked back up at the ceiling, wishing that just for once, Sheldon would break routine and head out. Somewhere. Anywhere. _Alone._ With a sigh and an exaggerated amount of effort, he slouched away from the door and headed to the coffee table. The Indian food was unpacked with lacklustre efforts as Sheldon finally deigned to abandon his laptop for sustenance.

Yeah. That was definitely regret he felt. Maybe he'd been too harsh with Penny... Leonard couldn't stop running over the conversation, a broken loop that somehow added to how miserable he felt.

"You seem unusually quiet this evening." Sheldon observed.

From where he was slumped on the couch, Leonard just looked over at Sheldon, dropping his fork back onto his plate. _Obviously._

Sheldon gave Leonard a sidelong look. "You encountered Penny."

_There_ was the prediction that any human would have made within seconds. "Yeah. Thanks for that, Captain Obvioso."

"Doctor," Sheldon corrected automatically. He turned back to his food; the problem apparent was satisfactorily solved for him.

Leonard sighed. He thought he heard Sheldon mutter 'oh no, he's going to talk about it' under his breath but when he looked up at his roommate, the tall physicist was staring determinedly down at his dinner. There was no sign that he'd spoken.

Leonard pushed the take out container away. He wasn't hungry anyways. He let his head fall backwards onto the couch. He wasn't just tired, he was exhausted. He was emotionally drained.

"I told Penny that I couldn't have her in my life anymore." It felt strange to say it out loud, to admit it to Sheldon and the other fixtures of the apartment. Leonard didn't look away from the ceiling. There was silence.

The clock in the kitchen ticked away the seconds.

"No." Sheldon's voice shattered the silence with decisiveness. "That is not acceptable!" The end of his sentence rose in pitch, sounding vaguely like panic. "According to social conventions you cannot burden me with that type of statement – Penny is my friend too. Ergo she is in my life. But I live with you!" Sheldon pointed out the conundrum he was faced with.

Leonard sighed and got up, heading over to the fridge. "I'm just done with it." He ignored the way Sheldon followed him too closely, looming over his shoulder. He put away his leftovers.

"It?"

Leonard cringed away from the shrill voice far too close to his ear. "You know. It all." He gestured vaguely. "It's a ridiculous one-way relationship," he told Sheldon, like he'd been telling himself the last handful of days. Maybe if he said it enough he'd believe it.

Sheldon continued to hover behind him as Leonard headed away from the living room. Leonard tried to ignore how close he was.

"Fix it!" Sheldon demanded.

Leonard turned. "Whatever. Go over to her apartment if you want to see her." Sheldon's look of disapproval made him jump quickly to the next solution "- or let me know when you want her to come over. I just don't want to be around when she is." Leonard opened his bedroom door.

Sheldon's arm shot out to hold it open. "That's not acceptable!" He repeated.

Leonard's eyebrows came down angrily. "Deal with it!" he finally snapped, raising his voice. "I'm done with having my heart broken." He pushed against the door to close it before Sheldon could criticize his wording. Sheldon didn't resist too long. He heard Sheldon's footsteps move away down the hall, following a soft "Oh no, no, no..." that faded away.

Leonard sighed. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, too tired to even maintain a sense of anger. It was his own damn fault. He kept forgiving her and then she'd just be back in his life. He would start to feel content again. He was so happy when she was over and joking with his friends and it would be just like old times and he could maybe have another chance, or she'd give him that _look_ or kiss the side of his face and he'd start to think that maybe – and then suddenly the vicious cycle would start again with some other man appearing. He was tired of having his heart shattered by her casually swinging by with a new boyfriend.

He wasn't used to the possessiveness that welled up inside him. He didn't like having bitter anger overwhelm him. Jealousy he was used to, in abstract terms at least. He could envy anyone with a girlfriend at times; but usually it was a distant sort of 'I-want-that-too' feeling, not this self-destructive loop he was thrown into.

He was tired of it all. He had no more emotion to give. He wasn't going to be her pseudo-boyfriend anymore, couldn't handle that need to always be faking that he didn't care about these other guys. He did. He cared so deeply it was threatening his work. He hadn't been able to concentrate much on writing, no matter what he said. Instead he always seemed to end up wondering about was, what could be. What had been, and what wasn't.

This current relationship wasn't bringing him any lasting happiness. Sure, he could pretend that no other men existed, but the amount of energy it was taking was rising. Even if she hadn't slept with Zack this time, there could easily be another night. And then the next guy would show up. And the next one. And probably some more after that. And in between each she would keep showing up at his apartment; hanging out, playing the best friend while he tried to swallow any hint of jealousy so that she _would_ keep coming over.

He'd tried to do the same, considered if he could make her as mind-numbingly jealous as he was. Leonard doubted she'd even care though. She'd made it very clear that she didn't feel the same way about him as he did about her. Hell, she'd probably just congratulate him and start being even more open about her own lovers. He couldn't change her feelings, and he was tired of dwelling on them.

Now if only he could get his heart to accept that he was over her.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

**Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone that's reading and following and reviewing! Every time I get a review I get the warm fuzzies and the desire to write the next chapter a little faster. ;)**

The evening shift was becoming more difficult. The general rush of dinner was fine; Penny didn't have time to _think_. Running from the kitchen to the tables, keeping the orders in her head – it kept any other thoughts at bay. But then the dinner rush quieted down, and she was left to slowly clear away tables, dwell on her thoughts and watch couples lingering over late evening coffee and dessert and staring starry eyed across the table.

_Their _dinner time had come and gone. She'd stopped glancing at the door after 8pm. It was Tuesday, but the boys didn't show up. Something was wrong. Fear gnawed away at Penny's guts. She didn't know what made this time so much different than any other time but it felt far more serious. Anxiety bit at her chest and drove her thoughts into patterns more looped than on the boys' whiteboards. This had to still be fixable. _It had to be. _

She wiped a damp cloth over 'their' table and tried not to think about it.

Penny retreated behind the bar, starting to roll silverware together in napkins to set up for the next morning's lunch crowd. The sooner she got this done, the sooner she could leave.

"Hi there" the soft breathy voice was familiar even before Penny looked up.

"Bernadette!" Penny broke into a smile. "Out of quarantine?"

"Yeah, must have been a false scare. No one ended up getting sick." Bernadette let out a little giggle. "I can be back to work soon." She seemed to let potential disasters slide off of her back so easily.

"That's great news."

"Yeah. I just dropped by to get my paycheck."

Penny nodded. "Have you seen Howard yet?" She asked, dropping her eyes back to the task at hand.

"Yeah." She wasn't sure, but thought that Bernadette might be sounding more shy than usual with her typical answer.

"Oh?"

"We had dinner. Well. With his friends. Your friends." Bernadette stumbled a bit with the words, evidently not too sure how to explain things at the moment.

Penny tried to look disinterested. "That's nice. Where did they end up going?" Not that she _cared._ Really. She didn't.

"Big Boy." Bernadette shrugged a little, her hair bouncing with the movement. She giggled nervously. "I guess it's better than coming here when management still thinks I'm sick..." she added after a moment. "But they shushed me when I asked why. You know how Sheldon gets." Penny nodded, hoping her friend would leave it at that. "But I don't understand why the routine changed – what happened?" Bernadette continued.

Penny still smiled, but she felt like it was forced. Strength, she reminded herself. Courage. Just like her tattoo. Her face was a brave mask. Leonard didn't want to see her. Leonard didn't want her around anymore. It would be easy to say; she could toss her hair over her shoulder and pose confidently, pretend that it didn't cut her up inside. If she could say it she could pretend she didn't care. But she shied away from saying it out loud. That would make it so much more real... She realized she'd paused too long. "Um," Now _there's_ a strong opening. "I don't know." Penny said flatly.

Bernadette didn't seem to take the hint. "Leonard seemed upset too," she pushed her friend gently.

Penny _really_ didn't want to get into this. "Look..." she said. "There's nothing to say." She dropped the silverware back into the tray and tried to head out of the bar.

Bernadette blocked her way.

"I need to get back to work." Penny's voice was abrupt.

"You can't just run away every time someone asks-"

Bernadette was crossing a line. Penny physically pushed past her friend, trying to get rid of the claustrophobia she was feeling. "I'm not running away, _I'm working_!"

Penny refused to look back so she didn't see Bernadette watching her with a thoughtful expression.

* * *

She'd promised herself that the tips would go towards acting lessons. Screw that. Once her shift was over the counted out the cash she was left with, and the liquor store on the drive home was the perfect place to spend it. She angrily twisted the cork out of the bottle of wine. She needed a drink and a hot bath and to forget Bernadette's mistaken thoughts that she was running away.

She heard her doorbell buzz. With an exasperated sigh she put down the bottle. "Think of the devil..." she muttered under her breath as she peered into the peephole. Penny raised her voice. "I don't want to talk," she called back, hoping that'd be enough to make Bernadette leave her alone.

She wasn't prepared for the sharp voice that yelled back through the door, "Ok sweetie – you have two choices. You let me in. Or I go get Howard and you let us both in. Which is it?" There was an edge to Bernadette's voice that wasn't usually there.

Penny was not impressed when she unlocked the door and opened it. "I'm really not in the mood for company." When would that message get across? She folded her arms across her chest.

"Then it's a good thing you won't have to deal with me _and_ Howard."Bernadette smiled sweetly but there was cold steel behind her eyes.

Penny sighed and stood back. "If you come in you have to at least have a drink with me," she plea-bargained.

"Deal."

A bottle and a half of wine had disappeared when Bernadette suddenly turned serious. The TV rolled on in the background, but Bernadette muted the sound. "What the hell happened over New Years?" Bernadette asked.

Penny stuck her tongue into her cheek. "Nothing. We went to a comic book store party. You would have hated it."

Bernadette laughed. "How'd you get dragged into that?"

"Zack decided he wanted to be friends with the guys too."

"Oh." Bernadette nodded. "So..."

Penny refused to elaborate. Bernadette made her best guess. "So you and Zack got back together, and then Leonard got upset, and then Zack dumped you, so you're upset?"

Penny shook her head vigorously, then regretted it when it started to throb. More wine. She poured herself another glass with unsteady hands. If she drank more it wouldn't hurt so much. She'd finally be numb...

"It was nothing..." she kept failing to come up with any good reasonable explanation. "Nothing. Zack and I are just friends now. Were. I don't think he wants to be friends anymore. But yeah. He came out for New Years, we were supposed to go to a real party but that didn't happen since he decided that a better way to spend the night was acting like we were 12 year olds and dressing up as superheroes." She glared up at the door and then realized her friend was still dating one of those boys. "No offense, sweetie."

"None taken," Bernadette answered, her voice still honey sweet. Penny couldn't tell if she was just self-confident and content with her relationship or unaware of the potential insult. Bernadette's eyes were still sharp. She must not have been drinking as much as Penny had been. Penny looked suspiciously at the bottles in front of them. It took her a moment to focus. Oh dear.

"There was no breaking up with anyone. Whatever. Zack kissed me at midnight, I felt nothing, we walked back here, he went home." Well, they'd fought and she'd kicked him out. Close enough.

Penny lower lip quivered. She tried to fight back tears as the alcohol amplified her emotions. Her throat tightened, but Penny managed to whisper, "And now Leonard doesn't want to see me..."

Bernadette pulled Penny in close, hugging her friend. "Oh, I'm sure he-" she began, but was cut off.

"He told me to stay out of his life!" Penny started to shake as she buried her head in her friend's shoulder.

Bernadette offered quiet compassion, holding Penny gently while Penny realized just how much had been on the line...

* * *

Penny staggered back into the living room, making Bernadette look up from the couch.

"Y'know what?" Penny slurred, punctuating her point with a jab of her index finger. Her entire demeanour had changed. Despite being somewhat more unsteady, she seemed stronger. Angry.

"What, dear?" Bernadette's patience could become the stuff of legends.

"I don't care!" Penny flopped down onto the couch, looking righteously indignant. "I don't." She enunciated carefully. "He's just as much of an _ass_ as anyone else I've dated."

Bernadette raised an eyebrow sceptically.

"Seriously! Maybe more, because he's so..._ unaware_ of it! He acts all sweet and innocent but he's a _jerk_ and a, a, a man-slut! He's probably shacking up with some _stupid_ scientist right now. He just wants some girl for his bed. That's _all_! I am so _done_ with falling for his puppy-eye routine! He's supposed to care about _me_ but he doesn't, he doesn't really." She drew in a ragged breath, not really aware of her surroundings so much anymore. "My life's _better _without him in it!" She leaned over, curling up on the couch. Suddenly she was so tired.

"He's supposed to care about me..." Penny whispered again, losing momentum as the wine took its toll. She pressed her head into the arm of the couch, wrapping her arms around herself. The room slowly spun. She closed her eyes as the quiet sobs broke free. She was only vaguely aware of her friend pulling a blanket over her...

...and then, blissfully, nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

"I predicted it." Sheldon said, faintly triumphant. "Sometimes it is such a_ burden_ to be correct so often. Five months and three more weeks left of them awkwardly avoiding each other in the hall."

Leonard ignored him, hunching further over the videogame controller. He'd pulled the white armchair close to the TV, creating a physical barrier that separated himself from the rest of his room. The numbness that he'd been chasing hadn't stuck.

"One week in and it's already a pain in the ass..." Howard muttered.

Leonard tried turning up the volume, drowning out the voices behind him with rapid gunfire and explosions. He could practically feel Sheldon's disapproving glare on the back of his neck.

Raj paused, fork part way to his mouth. "What the hell was it this time, dude?" He asked, raising his voice to project over the game.

"It's a disturbing pattern." Sheldon supplied unhelpfully.

"What?"

"A pattern. A customary behaviour, a reoccurring event or object in an arrangement. Here I was referring to Leonard's repetitive actions."

"Thank you," Leonard said sarcastically, hitting pause on the game and glaring back at his supposed friends. "I know what a pattern is. But I don't think you get it." They couldn't understand how badly this was hurting him too; this was what he had to do – like cutting off a gangrenous limb. It was a painful struggle. And they _mocked _him.

"Oh I understand the pattern quite well now. I've been observing it for over three years." Sheldon started erasing his whiteboard. "I can graphically display it," the tall scientist offered helpfully.

"No, I'm over it. I'm over _her_. I just need some time away..." The sounds of the game started up again.

"Leonard, Leonard, Leonard..." Sheldon said softly, shaking his head. His condescending smile was firmly fixed onto his face.

"I am!" Leonard protested, his voice treading dangerously into whining territory. "This ends it. I'm done. I am not waiting around to have my heart broken again. I'm not going to –"

"Were you dating her?" Sheldon pointed out. "Your byzantine response to her actions suggests that you feel slighted by a breach of social contract."

Leonard scowled. He hit pause again. Slowly, he turned to glare at Sheldon over his shoulder. "No. Not technically." He growled.

"Well then..." Sheldon raised an eyebrow, poised with the marker at the white board. The marker squeaked as Sheldon etched out an axis.

Leonard did NOT want to get into this with his friends. Usually, Sheldon didn't care enough to pester him, but having Raj and Howard as an audience seemed to appeal to his ego, his need to prove his superior knowledge in this field as well.

"Look. I laid it all on the line. I told her how I felt. She didn't feel the same way."

Eye rolling. For some reason his statement didn't have the impact that he wanted it to have. Leonard slowly realized that his friends had been hearing this story for a long time now. How could he get them to understand? He didn't _want_ to talk about it. He struggled to attain that sense of numbness; of not caring. Anything that could be used as a defence against this wretched desolation.

Leonard's voice was shaky, faintly breaking under the pain. "Don't you get it? I told her that I _loved_ her. She... left. It wasn't a '_hmm, I don't feel like saying that yet but-I-really-care-about-you'_, she, she just dropped me and walked out of my life _yet again,_ picked up that idiot _again_, and is now trying to get back into my life _with him_ like _nothing happened. Again_. She can sit there and_ kiss _him and stare at me and I don't know, just _ignore _the fact that _she knows I love her_ and she's killing me with what she's doing!" he put down the controller. "I can't just accept that – I can't accept her _doing_ that! You know what? I know that none of you get it. Ok? Here. TV's yours." Leonard pushed the chair back with his feet and with his head down, headed back to his room.

Fuck. Even after a week this was hard. The words just wouldn't get out of his head, his thoughts circled the same phrases over and over. Who had said time healed all wounds? He wanted to kick them. Hard. In a very tender place...

He was so tired of this. He didn't want to be throwing tantrums. He just wanted to have never met Penny; never given himself the hope that he might have had a chance.

* * *

"There are sixteen year old girls that have a more balanced view of relationships..." Howard grumbled, moving the armchair back to its customary position.

"For someone with an eminent psychiatrist and neuroscientist as a mother he has a surprisingly weak grasp of the complexities of human interaction."

Howard and Raj turned to stare at Sheldon. Raj leaned into Howard. "You know it's really bad when he-" Raj jerked a thumb at Sheldon. "-can say that."

Sheldon protested, "I know the _theory _behind social attachments. I just don't attach any deeper meaning to the common chemical reactions meant to promote propagation of the species..."

Howard picked up Leonard's abandoned controller and tossed the secondary one to Raj. He held up a third one and waved it at Sheldon's back. "You going to play?"

Sheldon was busy marking out a wavering blue line, punctuated by green and red asterisks that fell in close succession. He wanted to at least show a linear regression, maybe superimpose a series of tangents over a sine curve... The math behind this pattern was astonishingly predictable. Too blasé to be elegant, if you thought about it. Still, maybe Leonard would see this and accept it and then they could get back to their usual routine... he remained lost in thought as the markers scratched across the board.

Howard sighed in exasperation and turned back to the TV, dropping Sheldon's controller onto the coffee table. At least he and Raj... "Well now where are you going?" He glared at Raj's back as the astrophysicist shuffled down the hallway. "Don't encourage his sulk!" he shouted, pretty sure that it would fall on selectively-deaf ears.

Howard sat down and shook his hair back into place. Fine then. Single player mode it was.

* * *

There was a soft knock at Leonard's door.

"Go away." Leonard griped, voice muffled by the pillow he was pressing his face into.

The door opened instead.

Irritation started to replace the emptiness inside pulled his other pillow over his head. He felt someone sit down on the bed. Well. At least that confirmed it wasn't Sheldon.

"Did you ever think she might be scared?" Raj's accent softened the words, took the threat out of them.

"Of what?" Leonard's disbelief heavily coated his voice.

"Think about it. She's only twenty-two," Raj's voice danced over the words.

Leonard let that sink in. He still felt like he wasn't getting something. "She's been in _way_ more relationships than me. She lived with _Kurt_ for years!"

"Yes, but she got hurt."

Leonard lifted his head up so that he could stare at Raj, sceptically. Raj sat, hands folded in his lap. His dark gaze was directed downwards and he didn't look up when Leonard moved. "She gets frightened, she runs away from her feelings and puts up a physical barrier – Zack, or Doug, or maybe even me..." Raj turned to flash a bright, teasing smile at Leonard, apparently trying to lighten the mood.

Leonard dropped his head back down onto the pillow with an annoyed groan.

"Oh, are you so perfect?" Leonard could practically hear Raj's eyebrows raise with the question. He refused to look up again. "Dr. Create-an-argument-to-push-girls-away?" Raj's voice needled at him again.

"I'm over her," Leonard felt compelled to remind his friend. "It doesn't matter anyways." He curled up, trying to get rid of the heavy feeling in his stomach. Anger, he thought. Or was it guilt? No, it had to be anger. She used him, and led him on. Yeah, there was anger, along with a good dose of soul-shattering despair for the future. "Go away," he added again, but with less force than he had earlier.

Raj's weight shifted off the bed. Leonard felt relieved. He didn't want to face these emotions anymore. He just wanted them to be gone already.

His bedroom door opened. "If you're so over her; man up and act like it already." Raj had raised his voice. The tender, sympathetic reasoning was gone. The door shut with a firm click.

Raj was right about something, Leonard decided. This strategy really, really wasn't working.

There'd been no distressed Penny protesting his decision. The most he'd done was upset Sheldon – and Sheldon was making his life miserable in return.

He looked over at the window and wondered how the hell he was supposed to fix this.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you so much for the continued reviews, they've inspired me to start writing this one again. Hopefully one or two more chapters will draw this to it's now AU conclusion. **

* * *

Penny wasn't afraid to fight for what she wanted.

So when she finally saw Leonard at the mailbox she wasn't going to just pretend she didn't. She was done with caring about what he thought he wanted, when – from what she heard – it was obviously just hurting both of them.

He looked like he wanted to, staring steadfast at the floor, shoulders hunching in on himself. Did he think that if he physically made himself look smaller, she wouldn't notice him? Or was that the gesture of a guy looking for protection? He looked miserable, either way.

Penny put out an arm, barring him from the stairs. "Leonard..." she started.

He briefly looked up, but just as quickly dropped his gaze to the floor. He turned, avoiding the stairs and heading out the door.

Penny made a frustrated noise and gave him a moment before she chased after him. She didn't have to go far. He'd just made it to the bench outside the doorway; sitting slumped against one arm, mail on his knee. Sulky child.

Penny sighed and sat down, looking ahead instead of at him. Maybe she wouldn't be so threatening that way. Hey, it had worked when she was trying to rope a skittish horse... "It's been weird not seeing you the last couple of weeks," she began. She swallowed the painful memories. One of them had to be an adult here.

Her overture was met with silence.

"I miss you," she added softly, now refusing to look at him. He could break her so easily here. She swung her legs back and forth. "I hate coming home these days," she admitted. Facing the empty halls; knowing that she wasn't welcome across the hall; heating up dinner alone...

No answer.

Penny started to get angry. She wasn't the type to just bare her soul, blab on about feelings and stuff. No, one good cry and she could usually get up and face the day again. The anger sparked at Leonard – but also at herself. _Why had she thought that this would be a good idea?_ She stiffened. If he was going to just ignore her then fine. So be it. Her lease was up in another four months anyways. Then she could just move away.

She stood up, turning her back on the guy that had once been such a good friend. Lover. "Have it your way then," she said coldly. "Forget I said anything." She quickly turned before the tears could bite into her again and swore to herself that this would be the _last_ time she'd let herself get emotional wounds like this.

* * *

Fear. Leonard wasn't ready when he saw her. He wasn't prepared. He was supposed to have something to say, and he didn't know what that was yet. What he wanted - it was too hard to put into words. Just another day, he just needed another day to sleep on it and figure it out...

So he'd turned his back and headed out into the Pasadena sunshine, letting the heat from the clear sky and sun-warmed concrete pool over him. He hated himself for being so weak. He let himself drop onto the bench, not willing to trust that his legs would carry him as far away as he felt he needed to be.

He hadn't expected Penny to follow him, to sit down next to him. It would be an exaggeration to say that he was shocked by what she told him. He was used to this. She wanted to be friends. She always wanted to be friends again – after. He wasn't expecting to hear her sound so fragile. She seemed unsure of herself – something that was very unlike Penny.

Oh hell. He felt like Raj. What could he possibly say? He missed her too? (_Oh and he did. He ached for her again, he would give anything to see her smile, even to hear her comfortably tease one of them again, because things would be back to normal.)_ But would saying it be enough? Is that what he really wanted – to just have everything go back into limbo; that horrible state of longing? He stared fiercely ahead, sure that if he said something now it would be the wrong thing.

Panic crept into his chest as Penny's voice started to vibrate with anger. She stood up. The silence hadn't worked. He'd fucked up again – he needed to say something.

He quickly reached out, grabbed her wrist before she could disappear out of his life forever. Like what he had thought he wanted.

"Penny, wait..." his voice came out shamefully quiet as he firmly pulled her back.

His heart shattered again to see the tears in her eyes. This was his fault. But like she'd said to him before... he had feelings too. She had to know that... right?

He locked his fingers around her wrist, and she turned, waiting. Silently. Leonard's heart started to race and he gained some understanding of how cruel silence could be. He looked up at her, seeing the tears in her eyes, the tension of anger smoothing her face into a blank mask. Clenched teeth. She was definitely not happy with him. He couldn't blame her. He wasn't very happy with himself either.

"I hate this." Leonard finally said. "I miss you too." Emotion threatened to cut off his ability to speak. His voice was rough, low. He held onto her wrist like a lifeline, but lowered his eyes to the ground. He couldn't look at her and say this. "But I hate the thought of going back to..." he shrugged, unable to find the right words. He tried it another way, "I can't just..."

Penny looked down at the man in front of her, finally talking to her again. There was so much pain in his voice, but was still better than torturous silence.

She felt vaguely sick to her stomach. "What do you want me to say?" She said softly, sitting back down. "You want... you want something I can't give."

They sat in silence another few seconds.

"I don't think you know what I want," Leonard said in that same, eerily heavy voice. He sounded like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders.

"Then tell me," Penny pleaded, pulling back on her hand, trying to remove his fingers from her wrist so she could catch his hand with hers. She fought free of his grip, but he immediately withdrew, pulling his arm in and curling around it. She left her hand out on the bench between them, a sort of olive branch if he'd just look over to see.

Instead, it was only the silence that pressed between them.

* * *

**... aaaaand the next issue will hopefully be up with much less of a delay!**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

* * *

Leonard was trapped in how own personal hell and was miles away from seeing Penny's hand sitting beside him. All he'd registered was that she'd pulled away.

Leonard stared down at his hands. What did he want? How could he put this into words? He didn't want to have to tell her, that was the whole point. He wanted her to anticipate what he needed. He wanted her to want him so badly she forgot all about any other man.

He drew away from the emotions, pulling himself back. Distancing himself. He was good at that. He retreated into the simple logic of science, like this was an experiment.

"New Years," he said simply. He really didn't want to say much else. "I don't usually make resolutions. But... this year I had something I needed." He let out a long, shuddering sigh. "Look... I miss you. But I can't just be sitting around waiting for you to notice me." _To want me. _

There was the familiar sound of anger vibrating through Penny's voice as she answered, "I never asked you to."

Leonard was quick to agree with a simple "...no." It was the tone of one exhausted, not his typical whine or escalating anger at this point in previous fights. He paused a few more seconds, and Penny seemed to sense that he wasn't participating in this argument. She stayed silent. He was still too afraid to look over at her.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose. He'd had too long to dwell on this.

"It's just what I know I'll do if I_ think _there's a chance."

He felt the atmosphere change on the bench, but quelled the familiar sense of hope that rose in his stomach. He had to be the strong one here. Penny wouldn't be.

"Why can't there be a chance?" Penny asked, something broken coming through her voice.

Leonard's hands clenched convulsively. He was shaking. His voice was shaking. "Is there?" His voice was soft, but it came out as a demand. He kept the words short, trying to prevent the waver that threatened tears with the amount of frustration.

"Yes..." Penny was quite clearly as close to tears as he was.

Leonard felt like if there was one thing in his life he'd look back and hate himself for it would be for pressing on here, for not turning to the beautiful blonde beside him and covering her face in desperate kisses, tangling his fingers in her hair and losing himself to the beautiful lie that this could ever work.

His fingernails pressed pale crescents into his palms. "For what though? For another few weeks, before you get bored and push me back again, chase after someone else and shoot glances at the shadows, watching me to make sure I still want you?" he asked, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice, but afraid it was creeping in as cruelty. "Does it make you feel better about yourself?" he demanded, the words now pouring out. There'd been too long holding this in, making due, pretending it wasn't happening.

When she finally spoke her voice was icy. "Is that how little you think of me? That my dating choices are wrapped up in the goal of making you jealous? That my self esteem is wrapped up in your opinion?" She stood, and he glanced up enough to see the fury in her pale face, a whirlwind of blonde hair and streaky tears. "If this is how you actually feel, then yeah, you're right, there is no chance." The last few words were broken as she choked back tears. "You're not nearly the man I thought you were." She got the last few words out seconds before the apartment door slammed.

Leonard was suddenly left alone, shell-shocked and empty-feeling. That... wasn't what he'd meant. Was it? He twisted his fingers together anxiously. He swore as he dropped his head into his hands. She was supposed to have felt awful, started crying, declared her full love for him and swearing that she wouldn't stray again, and he could have forgiven her.

Why couldn't anything play out like it did in his head, in his heart?

He couldn't get anything right. His heart felt crumpled in his chest.

...Fuck.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: Well, I was originally planning to wait to post this, but I might as well put it up now. A little longer than the last one, but I wasn't sure how long it'd take me to finish, and I wanted to get this piece done before I (and you guys, wonderful audience that you've been!) get too bored of it. Thanks for reading this far!**

* * *

Penny slumped against her door again, rubbing the mascara marks from her cheeks as she tried to pull herself together. She didn't need another man like that in her life. She didn't. She needed to get as far away from that as possible.

And her plans didn't go much further than that, only thoughts of escape, of freedom.

She struggled to catch her breath without sobbing.

She pulled her hair back, leaving the security of the door. There was a sort of dark, twisted happiness that she'd managed to get her parting shots in without completely breaking down.

Unfortunately as quickly as that thought replaced the anger, guilt started creeping in too. Maybe that was too harsh, maybe she should have tried to talk about it rationally instead of just letting the anger take over. But if that _was_ how Leonard felt... or was he just lashing out in pain?

Without thinking it through, she curled her hand in a fist and hit the wall beside the door. Penny was immediately shaking the pain out of her hand. When did life get so difficult?

Her mind immediately started chiming in, _when you started dating someone so innocent that doesn't understand the games and things that go without saying. When you fell for someone completely awkward, and adorable, and unaware. When you gave it up, went back to your old life, and just expected that sense of innocence to remain untouched._

There was a strange sense of having warped Leonard into this – was he really this angry before, this hurtful? Or was that all her fault?

She sighed and wandered into the bathroom, leaning against her sink and staring up at her reflection.

What did she really want for herself? She had her usual answers – to be a successful actress, to find someone to love, to be happy. Was she really pursuing any of those? She ran the water, cold, and scrubbed the running makeup from her face.

A clean start.

Well, she wasn't going to move her home. She wasn't going to run away. She'd started the day knowing what she wanted – what she thought she wanted. That was worth something, right?

The only question left in her mind was, was it really something worth fighting for?

She slipped into her bedroom and picked up a piece of flat plastic from her night-table. She looked down at the snowflake in its clear prison.

It was Leonard. Leonard who would teach her about crazy science things. Leonard who would absolutely believe in her. The same Leonard who was quick to anger, quick to answer with petty harsh words, who easily slipped into defensive whining and hiding. Leonard who was trying to be so strong. Leonard who was finally confronting his feelings.

A sad smile played across her lips as she put the snowflake back down.

The anger was so draining, she was so tired of fighting it and the fear. She'd take this leap.

Penny headed back to the door, leaning her ear against it and listening to the hallway beyond, hoping that this wouldn't be the worst mistake of her life...

* * *

Leonard sat outside, running over and over the words in his head. Guilt. Replaying his anger, his mistakes in his mind, thinking of a million ways he could have said anything better, anything different. Wishing that he had kissed Penny when he had the chance; that he could for once, just shut up and do, instead of thinking and speaking, and putting his foot in his mouth. And failing.

A cold smile thinned his lips. Well, this would definitely chase Penny out of his life. And eventually, someone would invent a way to wipe his memory so he could forget how stupid he was, and how miserable he apparently needed to make himself, and how he'd messed this one up to.

Anyone that said you should talk about your feelings was most definitely wrong.

He slowly dragged himself against gravity as the air cooled, the sun setting. He'd been shivering before the temperature chilled him, but now he couldn't really justify sitting outside anymore. He'd have to get home. Somehow.

Each stair was a challenge, his body felt like a dead weight. Dread crept in as he got closer to his apartment, to Penny's apartment. He was out of ideas, he had no way to make this right anymore. He was emotionally drained.

Zombie-Leonard, he thought. He liked that. It had a ring to it. Lifeless, but still moving forward. A thoughtless and empty shell. That fit him right now.

He reached the last stair and stared at the hallway, taking the first step toward his apartment and feeling like he might not make it across the space.

Penny's door opened and he froze, flinched even. He swallowed hard. "Hey," he said, because he didn't have the energy to run to his door, or the cruelty to ignore her.

"Hey," she echoed, her voice just as soft.

He looked up, surprised. Leonard had expected to be yelled at. Deserved to be yelled at. His dark eyes searched her face. Without makeup she looked vulnerable, like she'd taken some of her defences down. And with something as simple as that, he felt that familiar rush of desire to wrap her up in his arms, keep her safe. To protect her, to comfort her, even if he was the reason she was hurting.

But she reached out.

His breath caught when her cool hands took his. His eyes tracked across her face, trying to decipher her motivations. His thumbs fell into a familiar pattern, brushing lightly across the top of her fingers. Gentle, barely touching.

He leaned forward when she didn't pull away, pressing his forehead into hers, feeling the once-familiar weight against his glasses. He held his breath, scared he'd ruin this moment.

"Did-did you really mean it?" Penny asked, her breath warm against his face, oh-so-close.

There was a slight shake of his head, he didn't trust his voice. "Not like that," he whispered back. The feelings had been true, he'd thought he needed to tell her, to demand that she fix his jealousy, his own insecurities. But not like that, not an accusation. "I'm so sorry."

"Me too," Penny echoed. He felt her start to tremble against him. He dropped her hands, wrapping his arms around her like she was his lifeline. He wondered if her apology was for her actions, or for how he'd interpreted them.

But then her lips were on his cheek, pressing into his skin, warm and soft and ever so slightly wet.

Maybe the words didn't matter so much, he thought, pulling back enough to seek out those lips with his own.

As he kissed her, against all his rational thoughts and well thought out arguments, his fears fell apart, fading. He was lost in the moment. This was what he wanted, what was in his arms.

Maybe, just maybe, this could work out.

* * *

Penny let her eyes close as the kiss deepened, her hands holding Leonard close.

There were so many reasons why this could be a bad idea. He had his flaws. She most definitely had her own - she wasn't so deluded as to think she was perfect.

His lips were hungry against her own, chasing away deeper thoughts, leaving her in the moment.

She felt happy. Hopeful. Maybe this wouldn't be the all-consuming relationship she thought Leonard wanted – maybe it would even be more, maybe less. Maybe it wouldn't be the relationship she thought _she_ wanted – for better or for worse.

But at least this way they could try to figure it out together.

* * *

fin.

* * *

**Author's Note: Well, there it is. Love it or hate it, The Resolution Disillusion is at it's conclusion. Any feedback is appreciated - knowing people are still out there reading will keep encouraging me to write.**

** Thanks so much to everyone that has reviewed, you kept me going and the fact that this story is now complete is definitely a reflection on your willingness to write some kind words. **


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